Hideous PSA: Drink Like A Pro

Like it or not, alcohol is a mainstay in your standard nightlife. Be it a bar, club, or private residence, there is a chance someone will be drunk. Far be it from me to tell anyone how to live, especially in regard to drinking, but getting thrown out of anywhere means you have a problem. Not just a drinking problem, but a problem called "fuckin the party up". Please don't be that guy (or girl), no one likes that person, and chances are you won't even like yourself the next day.

If for some strange reason you actually enjoy being the worst person at the party, here's some advice: get help! Seriously, that's a little sociopathic, and just plain weird. If you find yourself getting so hammered that you frequently wind up standing in a field arguing with whoever you came with, you should probably just stay home. Unfortunately, getting someone to stop drinking is a bit like pulling teeth with string, and a doorknob. Getting a drunken social butterfly to stop flapping their wings, and causing a scene is even harder.

Parts of me wish I weren't so knowledgeable when it comes to alcohol, but sometimes you just have to go with what you know. I've made all the mistakes already, apart from the biggest ones like DUI, or vehicular manslaughter. So, staying true to the spirit of helping that this site was more or less founded upon, here are some party tips from Hideous. I'm no Andrew W.K. mind you, but I can hold my liquor with the best of them... for better or worse. Not saying you should binge drink, but if you do, hopefully this will help you get through.

First of all, it's generally best to avoid drinking before 5pm; this scenario usually ends up one of two ways. Either you're falling down drunk before midnight, or you get hungry by 8 or so, and wind up passing out not long after you eat. Either way you're missing out on a huge block of potential fun time. People rarely hook up with someone early in the evening so you're gonna want to make sure that you're awake as long as possible. Depending on the type of crowd you hang out with, this will also reduce your chance of waking up covered in permanent marker. Or worse yet, finding yourself in a photo on Reddit, passed out on the sidewalk with your ass facing skyward.

Second, know your poison. Yes, alcohol is pretty much poison so when people refer to it as such, it's not just a joke. It's important to research the things that go into your body. That same advice applies to a certain portion of people who attend raves, but that's another blog. While I have seen it done, I cannot recommend turning up a bottle of grain alcohol or moonshine. That's a great way to wind up with alcohol poisoning. Some people can pull it off, but more often than not, they are anomalies. Learn your tolerances, and listen to your body, it will tell you when something's not right.

This brings me to my next point, using proper mixers. Don't be that person at the party who decides to mix two different hundred proof liquors with a sports drink. While the added electrolytes may help prevent a hangover, it's also likely to make you drink too much. As far as energy drinks go, I tend to avoid those like the plague because alcohol and caffeine is a generally terrible combination. These can also be pulled off effectively, but I don't personally recommend either. You especially don't want to be drunk with a heart racing from caffeine, it's very dangerous.

I could rattle off do's and don'ts for various beverages for hours, but now I'd like to move on to etiquette. It's great to go ahead and bring your friend another drink, however, there comes a point when you need to exercise discretion. This is how people get excessively drunk far too early in the night. Sure, people dancing naked on the table is fun for virtually everyone, but it's no fun when they fall face first. (Okay, maybe a little once you know they're alright.) People can be quite defiant when it comes to being told they should slow down for a moment. This is a warning sign of a potential party foul later in the night, you'd probably be correct in assuming that person's belligerence will only escalate.

A more subtle warning sign is when you notice someone completely withdrawn from the group suddenly. There are times when this is just someone who needs a minute alone, perhaps just to get rid of hiccups or work up the nerve to approach someone. It could be something innocuous, but that one guy standing by himself that looks pissed might be the one to ruin the party. Just keep an eye on body language, and be prepared for anything. You just never know in a room full of drunk people, and call me crazy, but that's part of the fun!

As much as we want to say that we're individuals, humans consistently work within a herd mentality. Don't even get me started on the theory of collective consciousness. Anything that may upset the group is generally frowned upon, but this doesn't mean that they won't stand around, and watch a fight. Again, this is one of the more interesting aspects of drinking in a group of strangers. It's always a good idea to pace yourself so that you don't end up too drunk to function in an emergency. This includes, but is not limited to, breaking up fights, and removing the perpetrators. This brings me to the point that it's also a great idea to have an exit strategy for any party situation. In short, be prepared to the best of your ability for anything.

In a perfect world, we wouldn't need people to break up fights or pull anyone's hair back while they vomit, but these things happen. Drunken mishaps are exactly what they sound like, but that doesn't make them any less annoying, or potentially disastrous. Until there's a day where no one feels the need to get very drunk, we need to know how to handle these situations. As far as I know, there aren't many resources on these particular topics, I for one had to learn these things the hard way. Hopefully this advice, and these loose guidelines will help someone navigate through tricky party situations. At the very least, I hope that we can all learn from mistakes, and maybe have a laugh in the process.

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